


Fear Of Love

by kekneki



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: A LOT of Angst, Angst, Fights, M/M, Sadness, just prepare for the worst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-04
Updated: 2015-02-04
Packaged: 2018-03-10 10:26:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3286913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kekneki/pseuds/kekneki
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hide analyzes his relationship with Kaneki, and realizes there's more cons than pros.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fear Of Love

**Author's Note:**

> sweats blood  
> my friend had this idea  
> and then i extended on it  
> shout out to vincent fuck you  
> you made me sad  
> i hope you're sad too

Hide bit his lip, his eyes glued to his text book. The clock ticked next to him, reading and nearing the middle of the night. The only light that filled the room was a small lamp on the desk with a flickering bulb, and whatever light came through the windows leading to the balcony. Hide kept those curtains open until Kaneki would come back home from his own business. Kaneki would never tell Hide what happened out there, but Hide could probably guess that on his own.

The bed sheets were fresh and clean for a change; Kaneki had done a majority of the house chores while Hide was at school that day. The carpet was vacuumed, the floor swept; even the dishes were done (which disgusted Kaneki in more ways than one to even be near, but he would do anything to make Hide’s life easier). That was the usual routine for the two of them, basically. Kaneki didn’t really mind doing the housework; it wasn’t like he had much to do being cramped inside the majority of the day.

Hide sighed, finally closing the text book. It was getting late, and he knew Kaneki would be back at some point in the night. Maybe soon, maybe not; his schedule was pretty unpredictable. Sometimes, Kaneki wouldn’t return until the crack of dawn; that’s how much his lifestyle consumed him sometimes. Hide could only turn a blind eye since it wasn’t any of his business, and he had to hide his constant worry for his beloved anyways. Even the slightest hint of fret would get Kaneki’s attention; he’d mutter sweet nothingness into Hide’s ears until he calmed down and digressed. Usually, it would work for the moment, but the worry still sat like an anvil in Hide’s stomach, weighing down his thoughts.

It wasn’t just his constant concern of Kaneki that made him stressed; it was Kaneki himself, mostly.

Kaneki, back when he was still… fully human, he was a pretty gentle person. His words were easygoing (even despite being extremely uptight sometimes) and his personality was simple. He wasn’t brought up the best way, sure, but Hide loved him all the same. That little reality changed when Kaneki changed; meaning that those sweet conversations and cuddle piles sort of ended. Hide didn’t love Kaneki any less, but it was more so that he became… more wary of the other, sometimes.

Sure, Hide was definitely the person to have the most confidence in the two. He was pretty open about most things, has a boisterous and joyful personality, and had that smile that would make even the changed Kaneki melt. However, he did have one flaw; he’d bottle up what he was feeling. He was similar to Kaneki, in that respect, and to a certain extent as well. Kaneki was definitely the worse culprit of the two, but Hide could read him like a book. Sadly, Kaneki may be intelligent, but he wasn’t nearly as perceptive as Hide, nor would he probably ever be.

For one thing, Hide basically trusted Kaneki with his life. Kaneki was his protector and swore to always be that, no matter the circumstance. It seemed like it would be a healthy connection, but in some ways it was anything but. First off, there was the difference in species; Hide was a human, Kaneki was… well, half human, half ghoul. He was still a ghoul, not matter how anyone would look at it. Ghouls eat humans, which is a blatantly obvious and easy understanding, but that simple fact did indeed trigger some Hide’s own paranoia and insecurity toward their relationship.

The way Kaneki would look at Hide sometimes, as a prime example to start. Kaneki always had a soft, fluffy twinkle in his eyes back when he was still human and innocent. Nowadays, his eyes were stoic and cold; his genuine personality piercing through his ghoulish nature only occasionally. His expression always suggested a form of craving; whether it was hunger or lust, it sometimes spooked Hide. He felt like Kaneki saw him as a piece of meat; an object instead of a person; a piece of food instead of his lover. It wasn’t that Hide had the fear he would be eaten, but rather that Kaneki would one day slip up, or go too far. 

During their sexual escapades, Hide came to notice that Kaneki was pretty physical; and not usually in a touchy way. It was moreso with his teeth, either through nips, bites, or grazing of the skin. It would make Hide nervous sometimes, but he didn’t want to risk upsetting the other, so he would go along with it. He always had the thought that Kaneki would bite him too hard, or he would taste the accidentally drawn blood and lose sense of himself; Hide wasn’t sure which was more likely, and that’s what scared him.

Even as a human, Kaneki wasn’t entirely sure how to express love properly, and Hide knew with all of his heart that Kaneki was trying as hard as he could to be the best for Hide. Hide would never let their differences in nature separate them on a relationship level, but it did play a role in Hide’s own fears. Another thing that contributed to that was Kaneki’s sense of possessiveness; always wanting Hide to himself, always wanting to be alone with him, always wanting their eyes to meet when they had sex, always whispering ‘you’re mine’ or ‘don’t let anyone else touch you’… it made Hide uneasy. Hide almost felt like Kaneki was always watching him, even if Kaneki never left home when Hide was out, unless it was nighttime.

Hide stood up, stripping himself of what little clothing he was wearing and headed to the bathroom. He wanted to catch a shower before he’d retire for the night. The usual routine was a homework marathon, a hot shower, and then to watch whatever showed on television until Kaneki got back or until he fell asleep. Then he would wake up, go to school, go to work, come home, and repeat the cycle. His job had a surprisingly large income since he worked there so many years, but he still considered getting a second job. But, as predicted, Kaneki wouldn’t have it.

That was another thing; Kaneki also controlled Hide a bit, probably without him even knowing it. Hide knew Kaneki was so stern about him because of his health, but it still made him a bit stressed all the more. Hide just brushed it off, doing his junk of constantly reassuring Kaneki, but that never lasted long and Hide knew it was becoming not enough at this point.

He went into the bathroom, turning the knobs to start up the hot water. He gave it a second to heat, standing in the middle of the bathroom in between the tub and the sink. He glanced at the mirror above the sink, observing his marked up body. It was varied; bruises that were dark purple, the more healed and yellow bruises, the cuts, the bite marks, the scabs… Hide was basically a filled canvas, only to be added onto.

Hide would sometimes try to do the same to Kaneki, but Kaneki’s skin was rougher than his own, so attempts usually ended in failure. Kaneki didn’t really mind that much; for he knew he could just make up for it onto Hide. Even through all of the sexual experience they had with each other, Hide’s biggest concern was Kaneki’s mouth. It wasn’t so much his snarky tone; that much Hide could handle. Rather, it was his teeth.

Kaneki’s teeth were Hide’s biggest fear, and yet he let himself be bitten and nipped at like he was a dog’s rawhide. His skin was rigged with scars from either incidents or from their intimate shenanigans. It made Hide a little bit upset that he let himself be treated like that, but it wasn’t entirely abusive in his eyes. He wanted to give Kaneki a chance, but his own suspicions seemed to overcome his willpower to help his boyfriend. His skin used to be soft and smooth, but now it was rough and hard with the scars and new wounds. Each new addition only made Hide sink further.

The worst part was that Hide never disciplined it; he was too scared to do that, too.

He stepped into the shower, quickly trying to wash his hair and scrub off his body while he hissed at any open wounds he happened to touch accidentally. It was the usual occurrence, and Hide just went with it nowadays. He was used to the petty pain and the chanced random bleeding. At first glance, some would think that Hide didn’t think it had any chance of changing in the future. Others would say that he was hiding his true feelings. Hide, himself, wouldn’t even know how to answer the question.

He got out of the shower after a short time. He didn’t want to drag the shower out too much; he was pretty tired from the day. College bombarded him with book work, and his shift at his job wasn’t much better. He could hear some banging around and a door sliding open; Kaneki was back, finally. When Hide was mostly dried, he wrapped the towel around his waist and headed out the bathroom door. When Kaneki saw him in his sights, he perked up and walked towards him.

“Hide…” Kaneki muttered under his mask, instantly taking Hide’s face into his gloved hands the second he got close. His fingers that were revealed in the cut-fingered gloves were cold and rough. His fingers pressed into Hide’s damp skin, and it made Hide shudder.

“Had a good night, Kaneki?” Hide asked casually, gently putting one of his hands over one of Kaneki’s. Kaneki’s touch was a bit coarser than it usually was. Something must’ve happened.

Kaneki hesitated, and then nodded. “It was typical. I met up with everyone else, did my job, and came back home to you.” Hide’s nose crinkled; the coppery blood smell was on Kaneki’s breath, loud and clear. “Sorry that I left earlier than expected. I didn’t get to see you after work…”

“Don’t worry about it. I ordered takeout and did some book work during the night. I might actually get ahead in the class for once.” Hide joked.

“Maybe, if you keep working diligently.” Kaneki smiled under the mask, stroking Hide’s skin with his fingers. He leaned forward to kiss Hide on his forehead. It was a gentle kiss that lingered as Kaneki pulled his head back slowly. “Are you just about ready for bed then?”

Hide mentally twitched. “…Uh… yeah, kind of. I was about to hit the hay anyways, you know? Today was exhausting…”

“I’m sure. Here…” Kaneki’s hands moved from Hide’s face. He grabbed Hide’s wrist, tugging him over to the bed. Hide got under the blankets first, and Kaneki followed him after he took off his mask, boots, gloves, and some other articles of clothing. Kaneki soon joined him in the bed, wrapping Hide into a tight hug. Kaneki’s skin was cold, as usual, but was slowly warmed by Hide’s seemingly constant body heat. As usual, Kaneki’s grip was tight on Hide’s body. Hide’s movement was limited.

They spent the next hour or so with petty conversation; mostly Hide talking about his day and Kaneki describing all of the chores he did, at the amount of times he resisted vomiting while doing the dishes, and other things the two usually talked about. Kaneki would sometimes steal a kiss from the other’s lips, or nip a little on is shoulder or collarbone area. It wasn’t rough, and it didn’t hurt that much, but it still made Hide wary.

His touches and bites got a bit closer, more heated and more frequent. Hide knew what Kaneki was after; he was always after it. At this point, Hide didn’t feel like they made love like they used to anymore. Making love was more like having sex, and having sex seemed to be more like a chore than a pleasure to him anymore. Still, Kaneki was aggressive, and sometimes it was hard to put a cap on Kaneki’s almost constantly revving sex drive. Perhaps Kaneki wasn’t aware of how forceful he was sometimes. The kisses raced up Hide’s neck to his ears. Kaneki was persistent tonight.

“K-Kaneki, stop…” Hide muttered under his breath.

“Mmm? What is it?” Kaneki perked up from Hide’s neck. His teeth showed a little bit through his lips.

“Not tonight, I’m exhausted from work…” Hide yawned. He was putting up a little bit of an act tonight; he was tired, but not on the verge of passing out. If anything, he truly wasn’t in the mood for their usual late-night intimacy. Something about the current night was turning him off to a lot of things.

“Are you in pain? Do you need medicine? Just… let me do something, Hide.” Kaneki’s voice was already starting to get frantic. His grip on Hide got a bit tighter as his squeezed the other.

“It’s nothing serious, Kaneki. I just don’t want to.” Hide answered plainly, trying to wiggle out of Kaneki’s grip.

“W… Why? Why are you doing that? Do you not like it when I touch you?” It got tighter. Hide’s heart sped up.

“Kaneki, you’re grabbing me too tightly…” Hide tried to use a calm but stern voice. “You need to loosen up a little…”

“Hide, just tell me what’s wrong…” Kaneki grit his teeth, and his breathing became a bit uneven. Hide struggled more in his arms. “Why are you trying to get away from me? It’s because you think I’m a monster, right? Do you not think I’m capable of protecting you anymore…?”

“Kaneki, let go of me!” Hide finally started to raise his voice. He never did that to Kaneki; not even when Kaneki truly pissed him off, which was rare on his own. Kaneki was mortified, but loosened his arms and eventually pulled away. Hide’s expression showed some anger, but it was mostly pain; he knew that wasn’t something that would be healthy for Kaneki’s development, but he had to do something. He gulped heavily; Kaneki’s teeth were showing even more now.

“…H-Hide… What happened?” Kaneki wasn’t on the verge of tears, but he was more shaken up than anything. He could feel the buzzing in his head begin. “H-Hi….”

Hide bit his lip, then finally turned around so he wasn’t facing Kaneki on the bed. He needed to sleep this off. “I’m going to sleep. Goodnight, Kaneki.”

Kaneki laid there, completely dumbfounded for what felt like hours. Hide never pushed him away like that. Hide was never angry at him like that. Hide never raised his voice at him like that. Hide was never so vague or so… assertive with him like that. It was too much hitting Kaneki at once. He couldn’t handle the sudden shift in behavior. He was so used to Hide’s carefree and submissive personality; for him to shift his patterns so suddenly was almost unthinkable to Kaneki. Hide basically scolded Kaneki as if he were a child. In a way, Kaneki acted like one.

Kaneki buried his face into his hands, curling up on his spot of the bed. Kaneki recognized that something was wrong, but he failed to realize it was something he did. He definitely didn’t see himself as an omnipotent, perfectly behaved being; but then again, his grasp and concept of right from wrong had been skewed over and cooked over so many times, the line was blurred out. He quaked at his gripped his hair, tugging it with his fingers. Kaneki felt like his entire world was crashing down in front of him. The wild assumptions in his head began; Hide didn’t love him anymore, Hide didn’t need him anymore, Hide was disgusted by Kaneki’s touch, and so many more flooded his mind violently. He grit his teeth so hard, trying to not let any noise leave his throat; he didn’t wish to express any sort of emotion, not even pain. He wanted to be silent, in hopes that all of the noise in his mind would stop. Coos and cackles filled his ears and made them ring viciously. He definitely wouldn’t sleep tonight. He finally shut his eyes, trying not to let any tears get onto the bed sheets.

****

Hide’s eyes cracked open with the sun. His alarm clock wasn’t expected to go off for another two hours, but he felt restless and unable to fall back asleep. He rued his eyes and sat up, stretching his arms up toward the ceiling to loosen up his bones and wake up. It was weird not waking up with the usual soreness in his joints, the stickiness of the sheets or the wetness in between his legs. He didn’t feel that burning sensation on his skin when he moved, either. For once in a while, he woke up feeling refreshed.

He looked beside him, and Kaneki wasn’t there. It put him in shock as he frantically began to look around the room. “Kaneki? Kaneki? Kaneki!” He sprang up from the bed, sort of forgetting he was still completely nude. He found his discarded pair of shorts from yesterday, quickly pulling them on to make himself look partially decent.

He looked over toward the balcony; the curtains were left open. Usually, they were always closed for the night, and Hide remembered Kaneki closing them like he always did. He snuck over to the doors, and looked outside to the balcony. He saw a familiar; looking figure curled up on the end, looking out onto the streets below. Kaneki seemed to be quaking violently as he sat, and probably muttering to himself, too.

Hide swallowed, hesitating before he pulled open the door. Kaneki’s movement stopped for a moment, and then continued. Hide slowly stepped behind him, giving the other some of his own space.

“…Kaneki…?” Hide’s tone was worried. A significant difference from the previous night.

“…Y-You should be asleep.” Kaneki stuttered. His voice was shaky and choppy. He almost sounded like he was crying.

“Kaneki, I’m awake and fine… are you?”

“I don’t know. Why do you care?” Kaneki snapped in reply.

Hide frowned. “…Kaneki, why wouldn’t I care?”

“Why would you? You pushed me away with no explanation…” Kaneki chuckled a bit, his voice a bit hoarse. “What do you expect me to think, Hide?”

“I didn’t mean that at all. Your head is assuming things again. Just like last time…”

Kaneki chuckled again in reply. “H-Heh… Hide, do I scare you? Does the very thought of even being physically intimate with me make you question your safety at all? B-Be truthful about this.”

Hide twitched. Kaneki had an idea. “Well… I guess I haven’t been completely honest with you, then…”

“I knew it.” Kaneki’s expression grimaced with his tone. “I knew it, I knew it, I knew i-it… I told you time and time again that I was never safe for you. I offered to leave you so many f-fucking times… and yet you outright refused me!” Kaneki began to raise his voice. “You insisted every goddamned time for me to stay for you, to be with you, to j-just… to protect you… How the hell can I protect you if I’m hurting you, Hide?!”

“You aren’t hurting me!” Hide grit his teeth. “You’re not hurting me enough to make me even consider leaving you! I told you that time and time again, Kaneki!”

“Then is it true that I scare you, then? Tell me the truth, nothing else.”

Hide hesitated. “…Kaneki. I know you don’t mean to scare me sometimes…”

“I knew it.” Kaneki muttered bitterly. He was clearly speaking through tears. “I-I…”

“But.” Hide continued. “You do. And that’s fine. It’s… to be expected of someone like you…”

“I-I’m a monster…”

“You’re not a monster. Not to me.” Hide was serious with his words. He stepped a little closer. “Look, it’s difficult to have… such a complicated relationship with each other. With other people, this wouldn’t work at all. But you… I think you’re different than other ghouls, Kaneki. Even if it doesn’t seem like it, you have a little bit of human left in you; the Kaneki I grew up with, ate with, cried with…” Hide’s eyes began to well up with tears a little. “That’s why that despite what you do, I still love you…”

“H-Hide… I don’t want to scare you anymore. It hurts to know that you fear me, yet I can’t do anything to change myself…” Kaneki hiccupped, removing his hands from his ears finally.

“That’s why I need you to try for me, Kaneki.” Hide kneeled down behind Kaneki. “I’ve been trying to get used to your… changes. Now, you need to try and get used to our differences. I’m not as strong as you are; compared to you, I’m a glass house and you’re a stone.”

Kaneki nodded, wiping the tears from his eyes. “W-What can I do…?”

“For starters, you need to stop being so forceful upon me…” Hide began. “It’s too much for my body to handle, man. I don’t have as much stamina as you do.”

Kaneki nodded. “That, and a-anything you want…”

“…Kaneki?”

“What is it?”

“Please turn around and look at me.”

Kaneki paused, and then slowly scooted around so he was facing Hide. Both of their faces were tearstained with puffy, red eyes. Kaneki’s face read fatigue, and Hide’s of worry. Hide cracked a little smile, trying to, once again, reassure the other. Hide gently cupped Kaneki’s cheek, dampened by his tears.

“Hey, I love you. Let’s go back inside.”

“…Can I ask you for something, first?” Kaneki’s voice still quaked when he spoke.

“Anything.”

“C-Can I have a hug, Hide?”

Hide chuckled at him, extending his arms for the other. “You’re such a dummy, Kaneki. Never ask me for hugs.”


End file.
